She Who Waits

R&R in Hawaii was absolutely amazing. When I recover from the jet lag and little to no sleep for about 28 hours, I'll post a proper update, photos, etc. For now, this is just venting. Feel free to ignore.

I wouldn't trade the time we had but holy hell is this coming home without him hard (though I'm glad he didn't come here and have to leave from home). It feels like R&R was just one big tease. I walked into the house yesterday and it seriously felt like someone else's house. I even slept on the couch and I haven't done that in ... well, I think I've done it once the whole deployment. I feel so out of sorts right now it's unreal. I have this urge to tear the house apart and do a deep clean but am so tired, I just don't have the energy. I don't know what else to do to fix this overwhelming kicked-in-the-stomach feeling, though. I need to put my big girl panties on and get back into the deployment mindset but I'll be damned if I can find them. Maybe they're packed in my suitcase still sitting in the foyer.

I had a massage today. We're in single digit days from R&R so I used the gift certificate that my wonderful husband got me for Christmas for a massage and a pedicure.

The massage was an interesting experience. I opted for an upper body only and she kind of raised her eyebrows at that, but I think she understood when she got her hands on my neck and shoulders. Clearly that's where I carry any stress. All was going well, though she was working some pretty tender spots, and I was mostly enjoying the massage. Then she started to work my hand. As if she'd flipped a switch, I immediately started crying, completely out of the blue. I hadn't been thinking about anything, hadn't been emotional, it was very weird.

You have to imagine this to grasp the full scope. I'm lying face down, nearly naked under naught but a sheet, with my head in this pillow with a hole in it so I can breathe. The catch is that I'm getting over a cold so after a few minutes of all the fluid in my sinuses rushing to the front of my head, I can only breathe through my mouth, which I don't like to do. I'm already trying not to let out a disgusting sniffle and then I start to cry on top of that. Seriously? I was actually glad she was almost done so I didn't have to excuse myself.

She was just rubbing my hand, why the heck would I cry? All I can figure is that it's the first time anyone has really truly touched me in so many months and my body just reacted. Maybe I'm just crazy like we all suspected in the first place. It was definitely the oddest massage I've ever had, despite that she did excellent work.

I guess I'll try to fill my touch quota for a few more months over the upcoming two weeks with my husband.

Dear Gremlins,

I realize that for the most part you've left me alone and I'm grateful for that. I do ask that you allow the nail in my rear tire to A) hold until tomorrow for my 90 mins of driving I need to do tonight and B ) leave the tire able to be patched instead of replaced.

Thanks,
Stephanie

PS
Putting air in my tires at a deserted gas station at 10pm when it's 35 degrees isn't particularly fun. It's tough to look over your shoulder constantly and put the correct amount of air in.

I was doing some reading (not a good idea) and stumbled upon information for the unit my husband was supposed to go to. They're currently in Afghanistan. I'm sitting here in tears, but they're very strange to me because they're motivated by two very conflicting emotions.

As a spouse, a woman who wants to spend her life with her husband, I'm actually thankful he's not there. They're in what seems, to me, a more dangerous area than he's in now, with more austere conditions. I'm thankful that while he isn't exactly in a safe place behind a desk, it seems less dangerous than where he would have been had he stayed with this unit. I have contact from him regularly, even if it is just a one line email to tell me he's going to bed at some insane hour after a 22 hour day.

The other part of me hurts for him because they're where he wants to be, where he feels he can make the most difference, where he would have been had he not been given this particular assignment. He is an infantry Marine, through and through, and he's been itching to go back to Afghanistan since his tour in 2004. He is very intrigued by the history, the culture, on top of his normal Marine tendencies. I know he isn't thrilled to be where he is right now and seeing the young men who might have been beside him had things turned out the way he wanted makes my heart hurt.

It's a bit of a double edged sword ... or multi-faceted tears, I guess.

Don't mind me, I'm rather lately.

I hate the "It'll be here before you know it" or "time will fly" stuff people say. I realize they're well intentioned, trying to be positive and supportive. I get that, I appreciate that, but really?

No, time won't fly, any more than the past few months have crawled by. No, it won't be here before I know it, I'm counting every single day until it gets here and trying desperately not to think of the 7 months still yet to go after R&R. I'm so glad our deployment is flying for you but it's not exactly flying for either of us. Don't try to tell me that the next two months will fly because it's the holidays. The holidays flat out suck when you spend them apart and if I had my way, I'd sleep through them. They're not going to fly by, however much I wish they would.

I appreciate the effort. I appreciate the support. But, I beg of you, next time, please just give me a hug. Or even a cyber hug. Or some liquor. Or even better, chocolate. Chocolate is always good.

P.S.
No, I'm not decorating for Christmas. Yes, I love Christmas but I have no desire this year. Please don't try to make me feel guilty about that.

I'm trying to pack a Christmas decor box for my husband and am coming up short on ideas for stocking stuffers. Normally I'd put in a couple of books, some games, things like that. He's exceptionally busy this deployment and hardly has time to talk, let alone use entertainment.

I thought some of you might have some ideas. I'm already including some favorite snacks and sweets, but it's not quite full enough!

Do you think I can put a sign on my doorbell not to ring it until September 2010?

It freaks me out. Every. Time. Even when I know someone's coming, I have to catch my breath for a second when it rings.

So does the sound of two car doors outside. One doesn't bother me at all. When I hear two, I stop and pray the doorbell doesn't ring.

Ahh, the fun of deployments.

I'm just now catching up on some very important bloggy news and it's made me realize how awful I've been about following others since we moved away this time last year. I suck guys, I'm so sorry.

I think I'm going to spend the next couple of hours adding RSS feeds into my new laptop (well, new in that the old one has my RSS feeds and this one doesn't) and kick back for some blog reading.

Well, maybe after I go deliver a print order.

Nah, I have til five. I'll do that later!

Forewarning: I'm PMSing so um, I'm bitchy. And whiny. And crying over stupid crap. I'm venting here, don't bash me.
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I'm going to photograph a homecoming tonight. The wife who hired me is young, not even 21. She had a really tough time with this deployment.

They were gone three months. Three. With excellent connectivity, including phone access, on a large base. It was a seven month deployment and they shortened it to three. I'm bitchy and stupidly jealous.

Another friend just told me her husband is leaving in a few weeks and she'd be in the same boat. Instead of thinking about supporting my friend and her two young children in their first, rather dangerous deployment, I immediately thought that he'll be home months before my husband will.

What a fabulous person I am, huh? I'm sure I'm getting the military wife character of the year award. I suck.

Yesterday I emailed our FRO about my husband not getting mail for oh, about a month now. Within 10 minutes he forwarded an email with new addresses and said they were having problems. When I asked to confirm which address to use (he sent me a whole list), he asked me if I'd talked to my husband, as he should have the most current information. Seriously?! The man is lucky that was an email. My husband had no idea there was even an issue, let alone a new address. Had he given me a new address, why on earth would I be bothering the FRO?! And um, hello ... it's the FRO's job to get information to the families so the Marines can concentrate on their mission. Tell me to contact my husband again, go ahead.

So now I have at least three packages floating around out there somewhere, one of them containing rather expensive items. All thanks to their lack of communication that the addresses had changed.

My husband has internet access in his room, but no phone access at all. Despite the internet access which I was so thrilled about initially because we've never had access like that, I hardly ever get to talk to him. They're extremely busy and he has a correspondence course on top of all that they're doing. It's killing me. I feel like I sit and wait for him to maybe get online because I know he has access. If I miss him, I feel like shit. He's having a rougher time being away this deployment and I feel like I need to support him so I need to be online since he can't call me instead. I feel like the walls are slowly closing in on me because I schedule my life around being home in the afternoons and early evenings, which is when he might be online. It's gotten to the point that when he emails me, I'm no longer happy to see them. An email means he doesn't have time to chat, even for just a few minutes, and I always feel like I've wasted a day waiting on him. I can't do this anymore. I can't sit here and wait for the next 10 months, it's destroying me on an emotional and social level. I don't know how to tell him that.