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A picture speaks a thousand words.
(I'm not sure how well you can see it at this size, but I'm blowing him a kiss in the photo.)
Man smell
(First, let me preface this by saying that I am 100% faithful to my husband and can't even remember the last time I was even remotely attracted to another male. What we have is just so special, I have no need to ever even consider another guy.)
A friend's boyfriend who has graciously been my stand in handy-man during this deployment came over to install a storm door for me today. I was helping here and there as best I could and at one point as we were wrapping up, I caught a whiff. It was simply the smell of a man who had been working outside for the better part of the day.
I wanted to just sit there a few minutes, pretend I was somewhere else with an entirely different person. That didn't happen because I got emotional when I realized how little time I've actually been close enough to my husband to just enjoy things like everyday smells over the last year. It made me miss him so very much.
Really, you know it's love when things like the scent of a sweaty guy makes you miss your husband to the point of overwhelming emotion. What I wouldn't give for a little of his 'man smell' right now. 
Blah.
I am SO sick of going to bed alone. That's one of the things I hate the most about deployment. I miss human contact so very much.
I don't have much else to say, I'm just kind of hitting a blah point in the deployment. I'm rather numb right now and I'm not sure whether to be grateful for the numbness or bothered by the lack of emotion when I'm normally an (overly) emotional person. No deep, insightful thoughts from me (not that there's been much of that going on here over the past 8 months anyway).
Confession
I'm going to confess this here, because I know you guys will get it. 
I just moved my husband's shaving cream, after shave, cologne, and face wash for the first time in eight months.
They were kind of dusty. 
Oh, now I remember.
Now I remember why I don't visit family during the holidays while he's deployed. 
I love them dearly and miss them, all of them, but it seems like all I did today was talk about my husband and what he's doing, where he is, how long he'll be gone ("Oh, that's not that long." "August will be here before you know it." "That's not so bad." 
- See here.) A whole two or three people asked what I'd been up to. One even asked if I was working, despite that I've been self-employed for nearly a year now. 
I also got lots of "I don't know how you do it" type statements. Yeah, me neither, please don't expect some big explanation. Oh and I can't forget the "I could never do that" statements. Yes, you could, just like I can. But hey, I'm doing fine, thanks for genuinely asking how I'm doing during the deployment instead of just talking about my husband. (Plenty of hey, how-are-yas but only one or two people genuinely asking.) Thanks for also talking about your daughter's high school friend who deployed 6 years ago or your granddaughter's half sister's fiance who was severely injured recently. Mmm, 'kay. Nah, I'm not at all worried about him, that helps so much.
I'd much rather just come visit my dad, step-mom and step-brothers than deal with a full day of extended family only talking about my husband and making his absence that much more acute. I don't think I'll be doing this over a holiday again. I just can't handle it, be it my family or his. I think I prefer my military family on the holidays, they just get it.
Oh and did I mention I missed his call, despite that the phone was in my lap and it was nearly two in the morning for him so he was making a special effort to call? Topped the day off perfectly.
I hate holidays during a deployment. 
Disclaimer: I am hormonal. Hugs, commiseration, chocolate, liquor all welcome. Please take lectures, no matter how uplifting they're meant to be, elsewhere. At least over the next week.
I am not smart.
In fact, I'm really, really stupid.
Reading this article on war widows after a friend's husband's recent close call and following the story from my previous post simply is. not. smart.
In fact, it's a sure way to land me on the floor after midnight with my head on the 60 pound dog's bed, his head curled into the back of my neck and a paw thrown over my shoulder to comfort me as I cried. (This very same dog is very territorial and not too keen on others in his space, but he didn't have a bit of a problem sharing his bed with me for a few minutes. I think I love him a little more right now.)
I mean, seriously. I'm not smart at all.
I'm willing the phone to ring, but he probably thinks I'm asleep.
My heart aches.
There has been another loss in Afghanistan. My heart aches for her.
I didn't know Rachel but I have cried several times for her. I don't even know what to say to convey how I feel for her. It's such a horrible, tragic loss. Please leave a few words of support if you can.
It's a very, very small Corps, I've found. Yesterday I hung out with my friend's three year old so that she could go be with Rachel for the day (I didn't even know Rachel was a fellow blogger until a moment ago). This little girl and I watched one of many videos of her dad reading a book and I was so glad I was behind her so that she couldn't see how emotional they made me.
A close friend's husband was in the same incident and is injured, but for now will remain in Afghanistan. My heart is hurting for both of them, for all of those involved.
Forced (blog) changes
Okay so as you might have noticed, my blog is BARE. No header, no fun smilies, nada.
There were some compatibility issues that created a need to upgrade my long-defunct blog software version, which means that all my customizations are gone. I've actually begged my webhost (and good friend) to see if he can help me port everything over to an entirely new software, so I won't be updating much in the mean time. If we can't get it ported over I'll find a new skin and such but please bear with me until we decide on one course or the other! 
Update: So it looks like I'm stuck with this software. Consequently, I went ahead and tweaked a theme. What do you think? 
Order within the chaos?
At about 8:30pm last night, I went into the garage to look for my spare router to give to a friend. While I was in there, I realized I could hardly walk through all of the still-unpacked boxes and decided to put the utility shelving up. 
Two hours later, I dragged 10+ broken down boxes to the street for the garbage men and then I pulled the car into the garage along with the husband's Jeep for the first time since we moved in.
I have been trying to decide if me doing this was a product of deployment anxiety and nervous energy or just me being me and I'm split about 50/50. I've been very on edge the past few days and I'm not quite sure why. I'm at this weird place in the deployment where I'm anxious to create some order but at the same time, feel so alien in this house that I don't even know where to start. I bought some decor this week but haven't had the motivation to actually put it up yet.
I did decide to work on me for the rest of the deployment, though. I bought a gym membership last week and have my first personal training session today. (I'm not sure how great of an idea it was to spend two hours moving/unloading boxes the night before this session ...) I am determined to be in a bikini by July, something I haven't been comfortable in since 2005. The gym is literally 5 minutes from the house and is open 24/7 so next time I get a wild hair at 8:30, I can go take out my energy on a workout since the garage has been checked off my list.
Hopefully I'll find the motivation to work on the rest of the house soon. But hey, at least the car is in the garage, right? 